Too Bad that my Job is a Trigger for my Depression

If I wasn’t depressed or bipolar before, working here would do it.  Have you ever had a performance appraisal that sounds like this:

Blah Blah Blah Creative

Blah Blah Blah Growth

Blah Blah Blah Respect

Zinger

Splat!!!

Blah Blah Blah Trust

Blah Blah Blah Loyalty

Blah Blah Blah Happy

Zinger

Splat!!

Some genius decided that saying three positive things to couch each miserable insult was supposed to be helpful.  This is the review to tell you how you are being watched.  As if you had no idea when someone kept walking past you every five minutes to see what you are doing.  There is no idea for improvement because the only improvement they can think of is getting you out of here. Fast. Without severance pay.

The suggestion is that if you looked at the positive things in your life, you would snap out of it, and smile, and appreciate how good you have it here.

By the way, we don’t like your personality.

But anyone would want your job.

And anyone could do it better.

But you want to clean out the office fridge because it shows your loyalty and desire for growth.  Mold is encouraged to grow more than I am in my position.

It is like little subliminal messages that they sneak in, in front of the office snitch, so the only person to speak up is you.  You know that you are not crazy, but you go home wondering if it is the bipolar, or the job, that makes you want to jump off of a tall building.

How did I get here and how do I get off this roller coaster?

I am not trying to whine or bore you. But, if this is my community then you will understand how this feels. I am in the midst of a major anxiety attack. Granted, this anxiety attack has lasted years, but tonight is one more night that I cannot drug myself to sleep and my fear and anxiety are holding me hostage.

My abilities have been questioned, insulted, and attacked. And, that is just my day job.  Not knowing where the next window will open, or door to walk through, I am stifled and stuck in a situation that is going to change. It has to and I have been warned repeatedly that it will. Mine is not the lone experience; lots of people are miserable but fulfill their obligations.

I keep begging the Universe to let things get better. I need to be employed and I need a paycheck. The verbal abuse and the isolation get to me. My brain is always working though I don’t know which way to go or how I can prepare myself for the next step when it comes.

My tendency to sensitivity, about myself and others, makes the rejection even harder to face day after day. I wish I did not feel so deeply, and then obsess and churn it, over and over again.  So, I am sitting here, once again, unsure of my future and wondering how my past led me to this point. Fear and anxiety wash over me and I cannot seem to push them aside in favor of the great unknown and impossible to plan an unknowable future.

My breathing is shallow, tears are falling.  My soul screams out why, when, what did I do? Why do they treat me the way they do? What makes me so horrible? Why do I fear every day at work will be my last? Oh yeah, maybe the verbal abuse and insults as well as the isolation and rejection have something to do with it. Ok, so being happy does not seem to be an option.

My internal screaming is hurting my metaphoric hearing. Fear rushes into my ears blocking out possibility and deafening strength. All I can feel is fear and despair and watch the tearing away of me, from me and from others by their design, day by day.  How did I get here? What is my purpose?

But the unremitting anxiety and dread is taking a toll.  Some people embrace the unknown, clinging to the roller coaster and loving every twist and turn of the path.  Obviously, I avoid roller coasters.

Things that make me weary

Sometimes things just seem calculated to wear us down………

The endless supply of bills……….

Medication not covered by insurance so another $600 went on the credit card that is maxed and no way to catch up….

People who seek out drama or a juicy story but do nothing to help when asked….

People who have an opportunity to say Thank You when someone does something for them, but don’t because they never had to before……

Fighting with my spouse about money………

Favoritism at work………

Power-Savory and Money-Hungry people………..there are real people with no power to help themselves and a tiny bit of the cost of that international vacation and first class seats could make a difference in a family’s life.

Fighting with the Tax Man to give them your money to keep from losing your home and them preferring to run it through mediation which causes more time, money, anxiety, and fear.

Frankly, I think we have enough fearful, anxiety and panic-driven, depressed, broke, and homeless people!

People that cannot get insurance coverage or are unable to work full time because of their disability…….

Seeing and hearing what happens to people being denied medical care….

Time limits that are not self-imposed for grief, rehab, loss, recovery….

and the clueless people who talk about “easy” ways one is supposed to keep going and “live each day as if it is your last.”

It makes me weary that some of the people who say live as each day is your last are not at risk for suicide and don’t fully understand those who are despondent, desperate and terrified.

Being told to be quiet……..then being presumed to be negative or aloof……

Doing someone a favor as they plead with you, and then, being told that a favor is “your choice” and that they did not ask for anything…….

Expecting people to grow up and get some respect for others and a willingness to learn or aid………

It makes me weary wanting to tell the truth to others who prefer dishonesty….

Asking someone who is specifically going to a store that you need something from and being told “You can get it yourself……”

Trying kindness and no one noticing…..

Would we be less weary if we did not have to argue, fight and scrabble for everything we have each day in trying to hold on to our homes. our families, our minds, and our souls?

What makes you weary?

Whose Grind is it Anyway?

What if the manipulators and mindsuckers used their power for good instead of aggravation and demeaning someone else? Why do some people with a modicum of authority believe that their control gives them the right to behave like unaccountable jerks? Who taught that being powerful means you have to belittle someone else?  That is not real power; anyone who has ever studied psychology would talk about their insecurities and lashing out as a childish manifestation rather than a responsible, adult behavior.  But we are in a world where we have to feed ourselves, keep a roof over our heads, pay for the doctors and medical care, so we put up with someone else’s mental deficiencies while they criticize ours.

For anyone who has ever had a depressive episode, or some other mental disability of any kind in their lifetime, we are circumspect and aware. Since one out of four of us has had this experience, why do the real sociopaths and egomaniacs get to treat us like we are only half as good?

What about the person who is so insecure that they have to be the smartest person in the room at the expense of including anyone who might be just as smart? Or the person who has to be so controlling and manipulative that they cannot share information out of fear and suspicion? Also, if someone’s only power is withholding information, kindness or inclusion, he has some pretty nifty unacknowledged issues of his own.

To me, those kinds of mental disabilities or failings, or lapses, are just as serious, if not more, than the ones we have been treated for.

We are willing to accept that while it has been very hard and painful, we are trying to heal. We take our meds, talk to our therapists, blog, paint, photograph, walk in nature…….all trying to find ways to take the depths of our brains and emotions and turn them into something that rings true for someone else. We are trying to do something positive and improve the situation for others as well as ourselves.

If we deny that we have struggled, then we try to act like the buffoons who don’t admit their own shortcomings.  They are not impressive enough to deserve my admiration. I want to respect the real powerful people in the world: those that are open, honest, truthful, direct, introspective, and willing to make a change.

To me, respect is earned by behavior, not by bank account. I am not impressed by the superficial.  I have spent too much time trying to understand the real needs in the world, and in my own head, to blindly accept the demands of a control freak.

But, the bad behavior does wear me down. It sucks the air out of the room, and me, like an old Hoover with a big dusty windbag and a hose.

Let’s clean up the mess and get down to the real dirt: how do you feel today?

Sunday Blues, Monday Bruise

In the years that I have spent in my office, I have been encouraged to keep my thoughts to myself.  Different jobs, different bosses. Some want to get to know you and some want to be sure you know who is in control.

People passed without a word as I became the human Skinner experiment. Take away light, laughter, and see what happens when we diminish a person’s innate spirit.

The other day, I spoke up, and invited one into my small office.

“All the way?”

‘Yes, if you want to see the adjoining office.’

Slowly, the entrance was made and quickly an exit was sought. “Freedom!” was the rejoinder and speeding down the hall, freedom was gained.

All this time, I thought they knew they were caging me and it meant that they liked turning the glass walls into bars. But, I had no idea that they considered me to be the animal as well.

Taking One More Step into the Great Beyond

Sometimes, despite trying, the tears come and seem like they will never stop.  Putting one foot in front of the other everyday is hard, even though people don’t know it.  People who have never mourned, or lost something precious, overlook it.  The weight is so strong, and it is a burden, that we cannot ever put down.  It is with us every day, like a rock tied to our shoes, weighing us down.  Trying to look past, beyond, around, over, and through, it seems that the unseen is beyond my capacity.

If I were to utter a prayer, a plea, I would say:  Please remove those obstacles in my path and help me to find a way to keep going.  Please give me strength despite the circumstances. Let me know that there is more good than bad in the world and that, at another time, this will not hurt as much as it does now.

Putting one foot in front of the other every day takes more strength than people will ever understand or will ever have to think about. I cannot take it for granted.  It is not merely routine; it takes effort, thought, planning, and a deep breath. Pushing off the brink of the unknown, like an explorer on a World expedition, I am using all my energy to take just one more step.

Depressives Challenge Question ~ Day 21 ~ Forgiveness

I was always taught to forgive others so I would be treated mercifully and not carry around bad feelings.

But because I always carry around feelings, it is not so simple.  Also, the ones who treat you badly because they can, don’t seem to have to wrestle with these issues.

My brand of madness means that I obsess and don’t forget the negative experiences and behaviors. They collect like dust bunnies and crowd the deepest corners of my mind.

Are you able to forgive? Does that mean that you can forget? If you know how, could you teach me?

Depressives Post Challenge Question ~ Day 20 – Take it to Heart

 

With depression and anxiety, sometimes things can take so much longer. My anxiety outweighs my adrenaline sometimes and speeds it from that place of energy and fun to fear and dread.

I am not trying to be dramatic; my brain just takes things very seriously.  In efforts to be friendlier to people who have shut me down before, I find that I am still not getting eye contact and a door closes.

Other people don’t care. They figure screw them and the horse they rode in on. If they don’t want to know you, it is too bad.

I understand and have heard all the rhetoric. The problem is that my head and heart don’t brush it off. Being so sensitive gives people a really easy way to kick me when I am down (some do it on purpose, nasty as that sounds).  I keep patching, but the heart still has the bruises and scars.

Are you able to brush things off easily? Or do you take things to heart and hold on to them?

 

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 19 – Why is my Ego so angry?

I have been told in no uncertain terms, through word and behavior, that I am less than. I have been asked to not speak and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I have been told that making conversation is why people avoid me.  Quietness is not negativity; it is trying to keep things in control like tears, pain, anger, frustration and despair.  Basically, there is an excuse for others’ callous attitudes and narrow thinking about mental illness.

My depression or anxiety (or any other mood disorder) is not an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. That is the kind of ridicule, shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking and continuing help and medication. It is the kind of verbal abuse that sad and sensitive people believe in the world of fear that we tread.

People can see anything or anyone as negative, and if you think it is so, you will never be disappointed.

But we who masquerade, daily in public, are experts at keeping our cracks from showing.  We smile and flatter as we dance and patter like an old Vaudeville actor.

I try  not to hold on to the comments and negative thinking, but my brain obsesses and spins them around like the hamster trapped in her wheel.

If my self-esteem lies somewhere between loathing and non-existent, why do the things people do to me make my Ego so angry? Do you ever feel this way?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 18 ~ do you filter your thoughts?

Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative.  Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body….  Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.

I do not have that magic filter.  Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me.  It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.

Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?