Being empathic means that it really is all about you, but I have the aftertaste. Doesn’t sound so pleasant now, does it? Sometimes it isn’t.
The ability to see and feel emotions means that I understand the energy of pain. But the feelings of narcissism, control, passive aggression and deceit come through crystal clear too. There are days when “Off with your head” would be most helpful. Whether mine or the other person does not always matter. Sometimes, it depends if I am feeling picky.
The strong feelings of love, or pain, or deep emotion, cause me to cry. Sometimes, the crying is such deep, raw sobbing. When I see and hear people speak, hear and feel the strangled voice full of emotion, and sense a broken heart, my own tears begin unbidden.
Some people laugh; I cry at the feeling of great emotion. I wish that I had the ability to recognize all of the feelings I process. Some come from people right in front of me, others thought of, and some merely in the energy around me.
My empathic depression means feeling someone else’s pain and turning it inside, and outside, of myself. I can identify the superficial, controlling, taunting, and ignorance around me. My weary battle scars are deeply embedded under the skin, but lie far too close to the surface.
My family may understand at times, or at others, merely sigh, and ask “Are you crying again?” I am not blocked from the pain, but am trying to find a boundary (OK, a really really thin line) so that I don’t lose myself in the heartfelt, desperate depth of pain. When my own arises, it is already resting heavily on the weight of the others’ whose pain I carry. It is easier for me to understand what is going on and how I feel reflected in the shadow of it, but harder to bear at times.
I will no doubt continue to cry. I don’t mean to embarrass others, but who can apologize for feeling great love, or great pain, even if it is not mine? Some people make me cry at the real truth of their bad behavior, hurtful words and attitude that they think goes unnoticed. I cannot slap them but it is not my sadness that is accountable for another’s bad behavior. That is his karma and lesson to learn, or unlearn, in this lifetime. Arrogance makes people treat those with anxiety or a mood disorder so callously and deny their own contribution to the toxic energy that we experience deeply.
Either way, I have to invest in a lot of waterproof mascara