Happy Shiny Happy Face ~ Ta Da! Now You See It & Now You Don’t

shirley-temple

That bright shiny happy face is just getting too heavy for me to carry right now. It is up there, like my hair, my earrings, and the right color lipstick. But the weight of it seems to be too much for me at present. I pull it out and put it on when the situation demands it. I dust it off and do my old soft shoe and tap routine, patter and smile, like an old Bojangles movie clip.

But by the time I get home, that smile nearly weighs a ton and has pulled down the rest of my face with it.

I want to be happy, but it is such a complex pathway of emotions, experiences, feelings and chemicals. It also might be the life triggers of a death in the family, financial woes, realizing that I may need to find another job and trying to bear the toxic environment in the meantime. The realities should prove that it is not all in my head. There are plenty of outside sources cramming in to my neurons because I simply cannot push any more into my smile.

Maybe it shrank? Maybe I gained too much baggage? My smile just does not seem to fit as well anymore.

You have been nominated for a Liebster award!

http://evavanbeek.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/liebster-bloq-award-badge2.png?w=300&h=300

Thank you for nominating me!

thank you to only see your good side http://balfourthrb.wordpress.com/

The rules for the award are as follows:

Step One: Thank the Liebster-winning blogger who nominated you (see above)

Step Two: Post 11 facts about yourself.

Step Three: Answer the 11 Questions your nominee asked you.

Step Four: Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

Step Five: Recognize 11 blogs (doesn’t have to be eleven) that you feel deserve recognition. These blogs should have less than 200 followers to the best of your knowledge

Step Six: Display the award badge on your blog.  Image above.

 

11 facts about me

1. I am the oldest child and grandchild

2. I have lived in two countries

3. Daffodils always come up for my birthday

4. I prefer coffee to tea

5. Sad music makes me cry

6. I love jewelry, all kinds

7. I get so excited when people like my posts. They like me, they really like me.

8. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mom the most

9. I dislike passive aggressive people

10. I feel proud of my writing and verbal skills

11. I cry at goodbyes

Create 11 questions for your nominees

1. Do you speak any other languages? — does British English and American English count?
2. What is your favourite colour, and why? — red ~ I have never thought about it but it is a power colour
3. What does your name mean? IF different, what does it mean to you? — Bee
4. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? — No more painful deaths
5. If you could do, or be, anything, what would you be, or do? — I would like to have less fears
6. What do you believe in? — Kindness
7. What is the biggest thing you have ever given away? — myself (but in gift terms, $500)
8. What do you like most about yourself? — Intelligence
9. Sea, or sky? — Sky
10. What was your favourite book as a child? — I read a lot of Ray Bradbury although I totally dislike Sci Fi now.
11. How many fingers am I holding up? — 3

 

11 Questions for the nominee:

1.  What makes you laugh?

2.  What makes you cry?

3.  When did you start blogging?

4.  What is your favorite cartoon or fiction character?

5.  Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry?

6.  Do you like babies? Why?

7.  What country or city would you visit if money were no object?

8.  What is the nicest thing you have ever done for someone else?

9.  What are three of your hobbies or interests?

10. How do you cheer yourself up?

11. Online or in store shopping?

Blogs that I like so far and more to come:

The War In My Brain  http://meganhasocd.com/

Bipolar On Fire  http://bipolaronfire.com/

My Brand of Genius http://redclayandroses1.wordpress.com/

http://thumbingathought.wordpress.com/

http://5kidswdisabilities.com/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/

 

I have been nominated for a Liebster Award! How nice

I have been nominated for a Liebster award!

liebster blog award

thank you to only see your good side
http://balfourthrb.wordpress.com/

11 facts about me

1. I am the oldest child and grandchild
2. I have lived in two out of three countries in North America
3. Daffodils always come up for my birthday
4. I prefer coffee to tea
5. Sad music makes me cry
6. I love jewelry, all kinds
7. I get so excited when people like my posts. They like me, they really like me.
8. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mom the most
9. I dislike passive aggressive people
10. I feel proud of my writing and verbal skills
11. I cry at goodbyes

Create 11 questions for your nominees

1. Do you speak any other languages? — does British English and American English count?
2. What is your favourite colour, and why? — red ~ I have never thought about it but it is a power colour
3. What does your name mean? IF different, what does it mean to you? — Bee
4. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? — No more painful deaths
5. If you could do, or be, anything, what would you be, or do? — I would like to have less fears
6. What do you believe in? — Kindness
7. What is the biggest thing you have ever given away? — myself (but in gift terms, $500)
8. What do you like most about yourself? — Intelligence
9. Sea, or sky? — Sky
10. What was your favourite book as a child? — I read a lot of Ray Bradbury although I totally dislike Sci Fi now.
11. How many fingers am I holding up? — 3

The Depressive’s National Anthem

stay strong fake a smile

Oh, dutiful, our specious sighs

Our amber waves of drain,

Our purple mental travesties

Among the brutish pain.

America, America

Send meds to our pharmacies,

And gird our sad with therapy,

And Mental Health Parity.

Wallowing in the Deep

chaplin sad face

I am sad. I am naming it, feeling it, staring it smack in the face. But I still feel it and sometimes it sucks that I do and no one else understands why.  We can hide it, and most of us do, but it is still there.  People can look away or pretend it is not there. But when you hide it under the rug, it comes out in someone else’s genes and you have to face it and deal with it anyway.

I am trying to build support systems, therapy, medication, reading, and psychology.  But I am still sad at times, frustrated, feel sapped of energy.  But people who tell me to think happy thoughts, picture sunshine and flowers, look at silly cat photos or the other attempted mind manipulations are just pushing me to have to hide more.

This is what we do. Someone is sad or depressed and society says turn that frown upside down and float a balloon. What if I want to wallow? What if I need to wallow? What if I don’t want to have to pretend to be happy all the time? What if I don’t want to have to put a superficial smiley face on everything?

Which is healthier: admitting you are sad and being able to express it or trying to shove it down and away until you are out of sight?

I am judged badly because I tell the truth and express my emotions and feelings. But, it is ok to be devious and lie? To make yourself conquer and control to encourage me to hide? I might feel bad about myself but at least I am honest about the parts of me that I am trying to fix.  I want to feel better and don’t know all the ways to do that. Some people never feel at all or are only self-centered. I know that I am not the only one who feels this way and I know that others are fighting a battle that no one else can see.  Let us sad people be sad sometimes, but keep us from having to bottle it up and then try to escape in a more harmful or permanent way.

Strength is Overrated

extra strength denial
Strength is overrated. Extra Strength products are supposed to help big issues, like headaches. But the headache still hurts, regardless of the strength.

Be strong, hold it in, don’t cry. These are not measures of strength but measures of masking. I am not strong. In fact, to prove I don’t have strength, I have to hide how I really feel. Guess what? THAT takes real strength.

Big girls don’t cry but they sure can have a breakdown. How do I decide? Should it be one big extra-strength sob or many regular-strength crying jags? The smaller ones happen more often than the big one, so does that mean the little triumphs over the big?

See, in a depressed person, everything runs backwards. Is the chemistry backwards or is that what meds do? The treatments seem counterintuitive sometimes. We control the serotonin and lift what is low and lower what is too high. That even keel does not seem so even nor does it feel controlled. Little bits of brain chemistry leak out and take over the strongest of people.

Sometimes, the littlest steps, like getting out of bed, take the greatest amount of strength. To one person it is one slide of the foot, but to someone else it is the slide off the edge of the cliff.

Who is to say who is strongest: The little voice inside telling you to keep going or the loud voice telling you to get a grip and control yourself? If you are not supposed to cry in public, minimize in private, do not scare others with your emotions, and preserve the small quiet strength inside of yourself, when do you get to scream out? When do you get to cry, and rant, and snot through so many tissues you horrify yourself?

When do you get to feel strong because you have dealt with feeling so weak, for so long and no one else can appreciate just how much weight you are carrying? Why does carrying all that stuff around, feeling every raw nerve, and obsessing about the pain make you weak?

It may be the brain chemistry that is running backwards, or the forward-facing meds, but they still have not come up with anything strong enough to take away the pain.