How did I get here and how do I get off this roller coaster?

terrified on a roller coaster

I am not trying to whine or bore you. But, if this is my community then you will understand how this feels. I am in the midst of a major anxiety attack. Granted, this anxiety attack has lasted years, but tonight is one more night that I cannot drug myself to sleep and my fear and anxiety are holding me hostage.

My abilities have been questioned, insulted, and attacked. And, that is just my day job.  Not knowing where the next window will open, or door to walk through, I am stifled and stuck in a situation that is going to change. It has to and I have been warned repeatedly that it will. Mine is not the lone experience; lots of people are miserable but fulfill their obligations.

I keep begging the Universe to let things get better. I need to be employed and I need a paycheck. The verbal abuse and the isolation get to me. My brain is always working though I don’t know which way to go or how I can prepare myself for the next step when it comes.

My tendency to sensitivity, about myself and others, makes the rejection even harder to face day after day. I wish I did not feel so deeply, and then obsess and churn it, over and over again.  So, I am sitting here, once again, unsure of my future and wondering how my past led me to this point. Fear and anxiety wash over me and I cannot seem to push them aside in favor of the great unknown and impossible to plan an unknowable future.

My breathing is shallow, tears are falling.  My soul screams out why, when, what did I do? Why do they treat me the way they do? What makes me so horrible? Why do I fear every day at work will be my last? Oh yeah, maybe the verbal abuse and insults as well as the isolation and rejection have something to do with it. Ok, so being happy does not seem to be an option.

My internal screaming is hurting my metaphoric hearing. Fear rushes into my ears blocking out possibility and deafening strength. All I can feel is fear and despair and watch the tearing away of me, from me and from others by their design, day by day.  How did I get here? What is my purpose?

But the unremitting anxiety and dread is taking a toll.  Some people embrace the unknown, clinging to the roller coaster and loving every twist and turn of the path.  Obviously, I avoid roller coasters.


Sunday Blues, Monday Bruise

employment anxiety

In the years that I have spent in my office, I have been encouraged to keep my thoughts to myself.  Different jobs, different bosses. Some want to get to know you and some want to be sure you know who is in control.

People passed without a word as I became the human Skinner experiment. Take away light, laughter, and see what happens when we diminish a person’s innate spirit.

The other day, I spoke up, and invited one into my small office.

“All the way?”

‘Yes, if you want to see the adjoining office.’

Slowly, the entrance was made and quickly an exit was sought. “Freedom!” was the rejoinder and speeding down the hall, freedom was gained.

All this time, I thought they knew they were caging me and it meant that they liked turning the glass walls into bars. But, I had no idea that they considered me to be the animal as well.

Taking One More Step into the Great Beyond

head under pillow

Sometimes, despite trying, the tears come and seem like they will never stop.  Putting one foot in front of the other everyday is hard, even though people don’t know it.  People who have never mourned, or lost something precious, overlook it.  The weight is so strong, and it is a burden, that we cannot ever put down.  It is with us every day, like a rock tied to our shoes, weighing us down.  Trying to look past, beyond, around, over, and through, it seems that the unseen is beyond my capacity.

If I were to utter a prayer, a plea, I would say:  Please remove those obstacles in my path and help me to find a way to keep going.  Please give me strength despite the circumstances. Let me know that there is more good than bad in the world and that, at another time, this will not hurt as much as it does now.

Putting one foot in front of the other every day takes more strength than people will ever understand or will ever have to think about. I cannot take it for granted.  It is not merely routine; it takes effort, thought, planning, and a deep breath. Pushing off the brink of the unknown, like an explorer on a World expedition, I am using all my energy to take just one more step.

Depressives Post Challenge Question ~ Day 20 – Take it to Heart



With depression and anxiety, sometimes things can take so much longer. My anxiety outweighs my adrenaline sometimes and speeds it from that place of energy and fun to fear and dread.

I am not trying to be dramatic; my brain just takes things very seriously.  In efforts to be friendlier to people who have shut me down before, I find that I am still not getting eye contact and a door closes.

Other people don’t care. They figure screw them and the horse they rode in on. If they don’t want to know you, it is too bad.

I understand and have heard all the rhetoric. The problem is that my head and heart don’t brush it off. Being so sensitive gives people a really easy way to kick me when I am down (some do it on purpose, nasty as that sounds).  I keep patching, but the heart still has the bruises and scars.

Are you able to brush things off easily? Or do you take things to heart and hold on to them?


Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 19 – Why is my Ego so angry?

masqueradeI have been told in no uncertain terms, through word and behavior, that I am less than. I have been asked to not speak and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I have been told that making conversation is why people avoid me.  Quietness is not negativity; it is trying to keep things in control like tears, pain, anger, frustration and despair.  Basically, there is an excuse for others’ callous attitudes and narrow thinking about mental illness.

My depression or anxiety (or any other mood disorder) is not an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. That is the kind of ridicule, shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking and continuing help and medication. It is the kind of verbal abuse that sad and sensitive people believe in the world of fear that we tread.

People can see anything or anyone as negative, and if you think it is so, you will never be disappointed.

But we who masquerade, daily in public, are experts at keeping our cracks from showing.  We smile and flatter as we dance and patter like an old Vaudeville actor.

I try  not to hold on to the comments and negative thinking, but my brain obsesses and spins them around like the hamster trapped in her wheel.

If my self-esteem lies somewhere between loathing and non-existent, why do the things people do to me make my Ego so angry? Do you ever feel this way?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 18 ~ do you filter your thoughts?


Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative.  Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body….  Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.

I do not have that magic filter.  Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me.  It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.

Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 17 ~ Have you ever been desperate to get to sleep?

Despite everything I take before I go to bed, I still cannot sleep as my brain does not stop. I am overtired but cannot get a good night’s sleep and wake up tired.

Sadly, I can understand being so desperate to get a solid sleep!



Do you ever feel that you just cannot shut down your brain and body?

How far would you go to get a good night’s sleep?   Do you have any good ideas for getting a good night’s sleep?