How did I get here and how do I get off this roller coaster?

terrified on a roller coaster

I am not trying to whine or bore you. But, if this is my community then you will understand how this feels. I am in the midst of a major anxiety attack. Granted, this anxiety attack has lasted years, but tonight is one more night that I cannot drug myself to sleep and my fear and anxiety are holding me hostage.

My abilities have been questioned, insulted, and attacked. And, that is just my day job.  Not knowing where the next window will open, or door to walk through, I am stifled and stuck in a situation that is going to change. It has to and I have been warned repeatedly that it will. Mine is not the lone experience; lots of people are miserable but fulfill their obligations.

I keep begging the Universe to let things get better. I need to be employed and I need a paycheck. The verbal abuse and the isolation get to me. My brain is always working though I don’t know which way to go or how I can prepare myself for the next step when it comes.

My tendency to sensitivity, about myself and others, makes the rejection even harder to face day after day. I wish I did not feel so deeply, and then obsess and churn it, over and over again.  So, I am sitting here, once again, unsure of my future and wondering how my past led me to this point. Fear and anxiety wash over me and I cannot seem to push them aside in favor of the great unknown and impossible to plan an unknowable future.

My breathing is shallow, tears are falling.  My soul screams out why, when, what did I do? Why do they treat me the way they do? What makes me so horrible? Why do I fear every day at work will be my last? Oh yeah, maybe the verbal abuse and insults as well as the isolation and rejection have something to do with it. Ok, so being happy does not seem to be an option.

My internal screaming is hurting my metaphoric hearing. Fear rushes into my ears blocking out possibility and deafening strength. All I can feel is fear and despair and watch the tearing away of me, from me and from others by their design, day by day.  How did I get here? What is my purpose?

But the unremitting anxiety and dread is taking a toll.  Some people embrace the unknown, clinging to the roller coaster and loving every twist and turn of the path.  Obviously, I avoid roller coasters.