Things that make me weary

so tired

Sometimes things just seem calculated to wear us down………

The endless supply of bills……….

Medication not covered by insurance so another $600 went on the credit card that is maxed and no way to catch up….

People who seek out drama or a juicy story but do nothing to help when asked….

People who have an opportunity to say Thank You when someone does something for them, but don’t because they never had to before……

Fighting with my spouse about money………

Favoritism at work………

Power-Savory and Money-Hungry people………..there are real people with no power to help themselves and a tiny bit of the cost of that international vacation and first class seats could make a difference in a family’s life.

Fighting with the Tax Man to give them your money to keep from losing your home and them preferring to run it through mediation which causes more time, money, anxiety, and fear.

Frankly, I think we have enough fearful, anxiety and panic-driven, depressed, broke, and homeless people!

People that cannot get insurance coverage or are unable to work full time because of their disability…….

Seeing and hearing what happens to people being denied medical care….

Time limits that are not self-imposed for grief, rehab, loss, recovery….

and the clueless people who talk about “easy” ways one is supposed to keep going and “live each day as if it is your last.”

It makes me weary that some of the people who say live as each day is your last are not at risk for suicide and don’t fully understand those who are despondent, desperate and terrified.

Being told to be quiet……..then being presumed to be negative or aloof……

Doing someone a favor as they plead with you, and then, being told that a favor is “your choice” and that they did not ask for anything…….

Expecting people to grow up and get some respect for others and a willingness to learn or aid………

It makes me weary wanting to tell the truth to others who prefer dishonesty….

Asking someone who is specifically going to a store that you need something from and being told “You can get it yourself……”

Trying kindness and no one noticing…..

Would we be less weary if we did not have to argue, fight and scrabble for everything we have each day in trying to hold on to our homes. our families, our minds, and our souls?

What makes you weary?

Taking One More Step into the Great Beyond

head under pillow

Sometimes, despite trying, the tears come and seem like they will never stop.  Putting one foot in front of the other everyday is hard, even though people don’t know it.  People who have never mourned, or lost something precious, overlook it.  The weight is so strong, and it is a burden, that we cannot ever put down.  It is with us every day, like a rock tied to our shoes, weighing us down.  Trying to look past, beyond, around, over, and through, it seems that the unseen is beyond my capacity.

If I were to utter a prayer, a plea, I would say:  Please remove those obstacles in my path and help me to find a way to keep going.  Please give me strength despite the circumstances. Let me know that there is more good than bad in the world and that, at another time, this will not hurt as much as it does now.

Putting one foot in front of the other every day takes more strength than people will ever understand or will ever have to think about. I cannot take it for granted.  It is not merely routine; it takes effort, thought, planning, and a deep breath. Pushing off the brink of the unknown, like an explorer on a World expedition, I am using all my energy to take just one more step.

Depressives Post Challenge Question ~ Day 20 – Take it to Heart

how_to_heal_a_broken_heart_001

 

With depression and anxiety, sometimes things can take so much longer. My anxiety outweighs my adrenaline sometimes and speeds it from that place of energy and fun to fear and dread.

I am not trying to be dramatic; my brain just takes things very seriously.  In efforts to be friendlier to people who have shut me down before, I find that I am still not getting eye contact and a door closes.

Other people don’t care. They figure screw them and the horse they rode in on. If they don’t want to know you, it is too bad.

I understand and have heard all the rhetoric. The problem is that my head and heart don’t brush it off. Being so sensitive gives people a really easy way to kick me when I am down (some do it on purpose, nasty as that sounds).  I keep patching, but the heart still has the bruises and scars.

Are you able to brush things off easily? Or do you take things to heart and hold on to them?

 

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 19 – Why is my Ego so angry?

masqueradeI have been told in no uncertain terms, through word and behavior, that I am less than. I have been asked to not speak and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I have been told that making conversation is why people avoid me.  Quietness is not negativity; it is trying to keep things in control like tears, pain, anger, frustration and despair.  Basically, there is an excuse for others’ callous attitudes and narrow thinking about mental illness.

My depression or anxiety (or any other mood disorder) is not an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. That is the kind of ridicule, shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking and continuing help and medication. It is the kind of verbal abuse that sad and sensitive people believe in the world of fear that we tread.

People can see anything or anyone as negative, and if you think it is so, you will never be disappointed.

But we who masquerade, daily in public, are experts at keeping our cracks from showing.  We smile and flatter as we dance and patter like an old Vaudeville actor.

I try  not to hold on to the comments and negative thinking, but my brain obsesses and spins them around like the hamster trapped in her wheel.

If my self-esteem lies somewhere between loathing and non-existent, why do the things people do to me make my Ego so angry? Do you ever feel this way?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 18 ~ do you filter your thoughts?

therapist

Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative.  Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body….  Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.

I do not have that magic filter.  Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me.  It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.

Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 17 ~ Have you ever been desperate to get to sleep?

Despite everything I take before I go to bed, I still cannot sleep as my brain does not stop. I am overtired but cannot get a good night’s sleep and wake up tired.

Sadly, I can understand being so desperate to get a solid sleep!

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Do you ever feel that you just cannot shut down your brain and body?

How far would you go to get a good night’s sleep?   Do you have any good ideas for getting a good night’s sleep?