Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 19 – Why is my Ego so angry?

masqueradeI have been told in no uncertain terms, through word and behavior, that I am less than. I have been asked to not speak and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I have been told that making conversation is why people avoid me.  Quietness is not negativity; it is trying to keep things in control like tears, pain, anger, frustration and despair.  Basically, there is an excuse for others’ callous attitudes and narrow thinking about mental illness.

My depression or anxiety (or any other mood disorder) is not an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. That is the kind of ridicule, shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking and continuing help and medication. It is the kind of verbal abuse that sad and sensitive people believe in the world of fear that we tread.

People can see anything or anyone as negative, and if you think it is so, you will never be disappointed.

But we who masquerade, daily in public, are experts at keeping our cracks from showing.  We smile and flatter as we dance and patter like an old Vaudeville actor.

I try  not to hold on to the comments and negative thinking, but my brain obsesses and spins them around like the hamster trapped in her wheel.

If my self-esteem lies somewhere between loathing and non-existent, why do the things people do to me make my Ego so angry? Do you ever feel this way?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 18 ~ do you filter your thoughts?

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Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative.  Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body….  Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.

I do not have that magic filter.  Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me.  It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.

Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 17 ~ Have you ever been desperate to get to sleep?

Despite everything I take before I go to bed, I still cannot sleep as my brain does not stop. I am overtired but cannot get a good night’s sleep and wake up tired.

Sadly, I can understand being so desperate to get a solid sleep!

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Do you ever feel that you just cannot shut down your brain and body?

How far would you go to get a good night’s sleep?   Do you have any good ideas for getting a good night’s sleep?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 15 ~ Do you prefer the road less traveled?

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As someone with a mood disorder, I recognize it when I see the anger in someone else. Also, the changeable moods of someone around me who is short-tempered, swearing and then crying, lets me know that I am dealing with someone struggling with a challenge that is not being addressed publicly.

We recognize symptoms, voice, tone, inflection, facial and body movements. We may be depressed but we are actually pretty astute.  For me, researching and reading is part of how I process my diagnosis. Also, the hypervigilance to make sure I am not getting worse, means I pay attention to E V E R Y T H I N G !

I know more than many people and can definitely keep up in any technical conversation with a doctor, psychiatrist or therapist.  Learning is learning for me; what makes up my depression, triggers, brain function and chemistry, comfort, reactions to medications, others’ experiences are all part of the things that I read about. I own many books and would never think of getting rid of them.

Of course, there are plenty of people who don’t want to face it or hear about it from me. They would like me to experience my panic attacks and anxiety in silence.

Do you like to research and read about your diagnosis or would you prefer to create a clear, untried path to understanding?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 14 ~ Are you Singing the Sunday Blues?

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Being anxious and depressed makes me hyperaware and hypervigilant about my symptoms. My brain is on overdrive even when my body is weighted down with concrete.

I thought that I was the only one who was most depressed on Sundays. Then before I considered adding a post, I decided to do a brief bit of research on this subject. Dr. Andrew Weil, M.D. discusses the “Sunday Night Blues” on his website.

Symptoms can range from a vague sense of uneasiness to full blown panic attacks. The condition? “Sunday neurosis,” increasingly known by the more casual term “Sunday night blues.” The former term was coined by Austrian psychotherapist Victor Frankl in 1946, suggesting this problem is far from new. The names may vary, but all of them describe the negative feelings – including anxiety, dread or plain sadness – that can accompany the knowledge that you’ll return to a difficult or stressful job on Monday.

The Sunday night blues have probably existed in some form since the start of the five-day workweek, which became institutionalized in the U.S. in 1926, after Henry Ford began shutting down his automotive factories on Saturday and Sunday. Now, science is confirming the phenomenon. In a November, 2009 paper, German and Swedish researchers said surveys of 12,000 individuals confirmed that Sundays are the least happy day for most people, while Fridays are the happiest.

Because it is not a formal condition recognized by any medical or psychological authority, there are no precise figures on the incidence of Sunday blues. But a British study reported in The Observer newspaper found that 26 percent of workers questioned felt dread and apprehension on the day they were due to return to work. Researchers speculated that the recession – which has led to increased job insecurity, and more burdensome workloads on those who remain employed – appears to be increasing such fears.

I thought that I was compartmentalizing, because I cannot show my depression at work, and therefore it came out on Sunday. I find that Sunday I am absolutely exhausted, don’t want to get dressed, am so lethargic that I avoid social contact….Who knew!?? Yes, it is true that I have GAD and it does get sky high on Sunday night. But instead of labeling it as a reaction that is practically normal to returning to a stressful work environment, I blame myself and think it is the depression winning the battle of the self.

Do you suffer from more anxiety, stressful and depressive symptoms on Sundays?