My Piece of Mind

question marks

Some days the best you can say about the lessons you are supposed to be learning is that at least you don’t behave like that ass who made you feel bad for being you.

I don’t know why I dwell and obsess when I am supposed to be manifesting good things and reach for a thought that feels better.

Well, I am reaching and trying to draw my ragged thinking back to the things that are positive in this world. Then I spend time with people who have so much more than others and think they are entitled to be King.

What would freedom really feel like? An unchained mind that did not give a damn about anyone else’s crap and did not need approval from the disease to please. What if I really only had to worry about what to eat for lunch, or something that feels more immediate, less long term, and not enough to cause an anxiety attack or pounding headache?

Why am I spending my days surrounded by so much that is unloving and unkind? What would the freedom to walk away feel like — and all that I need to do it?

That is the kind of peace of mind the pieces of mind need.

The Uphill Battle on a Downward Day

Crying-Babies-mime

As a depressed person, I really am the Masked Avenger. I feel for everyone around me, or in the community, or in the world. My heart breaks for anyone else in pain because I understand it so well. I try to help them even though I cannot help myself. But I have to get through the day and put on the smiles in case someone looks at me so it can seem like I am oh, so, cavalier.

I stick up for the underdog, I always have. But when you are the highly sensitive underdog, you see how much of the world only recognizes the top dogs. I want to right wrongs and create justice where it does not exist. But the first place is in my own environment where people know my feelings are hurt and the sadness that exists. Silly me, communication is supposed to create understanding. Well, it only created an opportunity to stick the knife even deeper and see what it takes to draw complete defeat for me.

This cannot be why I was put on Earth. There has to be more than just pain and stigma and crappy treatment. There have to be other people who understand how it feels to try to blink away the prick in your eyes that brings tears to the edge. The feelings and the sensitivity that brings me to the edge. The more I want understanding, the less I see. Trouble is, I feel the pain and that is part of the challenge. It is also the victory for those who remind you of how little you matter and that your presence is not required or desired.

I don’t drink or smoke because I don’t want to mess up the treatment, or what is supposed to be the cure for what ails me. But I really understand why people are driven to it, trying to create an escape and a way out. Sometimes the pain is so bad and the heart is too broken to cheer itself up.

But I am really struggling to get through the nightly parade of negative thoughts and the make-believe to get up and do it all again tomorrow.

crying-baby_medium<

Riding the Wave and trying not to Crash

explosion wave

Today is one of those days when I feel somber, sad and washed over with a tidal wave. I try to stand in the surf, being brave, when along comes a giant wave. It covers me, I cannot breathe, I feel myself shaking and sputtering; it feels like a giant panic attack.

When I try to be positive, or get through my loss, I am reading and looking for answers. I am begging my angels or spirits or whoever is around me unseen, to please please please , let me know that I am not alone.

I have not had that validation and I question so many things. How will I know what is right? If I look for answers in unusual ways, am I being manic or slipping into psychosis? I think that is what it sounds like to someone who cannot fathom what I am talking about. I have to defend myself and reiterate that despite what it seems like, I am not falling into a chasm of manic depression. I have not lost my mind and my meds don’t need adjustment. The therapist and doctor are on call if I need them, but I am just trying to adjust to the situation in the best way I can. While I have had episodes of pain, I am trying so hard to find clarity and energy in a situation that is washing over me with more grief, mourning, and loss than I have ever experienced.

I was crying and the comment to me was “oh, you are thinking again, aren’t’ you?” Well, I am always thinking and always feeling. But I cannot help it, I react emotionally and I cry. I grieve, I mourn and I feel so alone and such loss. I feel unloved and abandoned, misunderstood and ignored. Just because I see the wave coming, and feel it, doesn’t mean it does not lay me out at times. Some days feel like a total wipeout.

If that is depression waving its heavy hand today, then so be it. The pile of crumpled tissues sits on the bed beside me. Sometimes, I simply don’t have the energy to get up. But I am trying to keep standing and keep going no matter how many times it tries to knock me down.