Too Bad that my Job is a Trigger for my Depression

go to hell

If I wasn’t depressed or bipolar before, working here would do it.  Have you ever had a performance appraisal that sounds like this:

Blah Blah Blah Creative

Blah Blah Blah Growth

Blah Blah Blah Respect

Zinger

Splat!!!

Blah Blah Blah Trust

Blah Blah Blah Loyalty

Blah Blah Blah Happy

Zinger

Splat!!

Some genius decided that saying three positive things to couch each miserable insult was supposed to be helpful.  This is the review to tell you how you are being watched.  As if you had no idea when someone kept walking past you every five minutes to see what you are doing.  There is no idea for improvement because the only improvement they can think of is getting you out of here. Fast. Without severance pay.

The suggestion is that if you looked at the positive things in your life, you would snap out of it, and smile, and appreciate how good you have it here.

By the way, we don’t like your personality.

But anyone would want your job.

And anyone could do it better.

But you want to clean out the office fridge because it shows your loyalty and desire for growth.  Mold is encouraged to grow more than I am in my position.

It is like little subliminal messages that they sneak in, in front of the office snitch, so the only person to speak up is you.  You know that you are not crazy, but you go home wondering if it is the bipolar, or the job, that makes you want to jump off of a tall building.

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 18 ~ do you filter your thoughts?

therapist

Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative.  Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body….  Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.

I do not have that magic filter.  Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me.  It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.

Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?

Hazard Zone – Go to Higher Ground or Inland

tsunami sign

Anxiety can grip me so fiercely sometimes that my brain is holding on for dear life like a raft in a tsunami. I don’t know where the wave came from or where it should be headed. I am so focused on getting through that I cannot possibly see which direction would be best.

The sad part of this is that I feel like I have to keep my head down and protect myself. Over and over and over again, waves overpower me and toss me about. Each day, it seems that I have to look down and just keep moving in a direction, never knowing which way would be best, and hoping that if I keep on moving, some day I will get to where I really should be headed.

This is the part of me that feels inauthentic as I try to hold on to my job as firmly as I can, but keep my head down so that I don’t lose it. I never quite know what will upset the boss, but whatever I am seems to be it. All the parts of me are stuffed down inside, hiding the laughter, obscuring the clarity, denying the knowledge in hopes that I can stay afloat. But, it still feels like I am fighting some random storm. The winds will howl, the tempest will toss, and the conflicting moods and messages conspire to keep me off keel and far from course. Meanwhile, the struggle to hold on is exhausting.

I keep trying to find my way to safety but I don’t see any in sight and each day is a struggle to keep my head down and just keep going.

That is the Real reason that they call it Work

stress_cartoon

The Work Ninja – so skilled that you don’t feel it as the knife stabs you in the back.

Where do your ears go when you talk out of both sides of your face?

Those scratches are pretty deep from your climb to the top.

Do you still need to eat dinner if you have been kissing ass all day?

My back really hurts from when you threw me under the bus.

If you are going to take credit for everything that I do, then pay my bills when my Visa is due.

Being the eyes and ears for the boss is great, maybe that is why you don’t have a brain in the middle of the day.

Have you ever thought about an education? or a re-education?

Do you believe in Karma? Because I am counting on it to pay back better than you.

Just waiting to hear what I said when you tell me what it was.

All communication is bland, measured, and careful of the potholes.

You are responsible for a lot of things that I need and what you gave me for the things I don’t.

Another Work Wizard with a Sabre of Threats

I have just spent another day at work with the Nike School of Management for direction.  What is that you ask? Just Do It. No questions, no support. Take this and Just Do It.

If you were a carpenter and I said just do it, no questions. Oh, and by the way, I am not going to give you any tools to do your job effectively. So, just hand back that hammer, saw and nails right now. No training you, Just Do It.

Why do people get into power and throw it around like the discus at the Olympics? Then, even though they have missed the mark by a mile, expect to have a crown of laurels place around their head and receive the roar of the crowd and cheering approval?

Just Do It. How should I phrase that skill on my resume?  I did not reach my goals. I have not achieved or completed tasks on time. Time – an arbitrary line on the horizon in which you will eat your lunch, go online, talk on the phone and brag about your management skills because your job is done.  You gave it to me and the blame is on me as an incapable person with a bad attitude when I say I cannot complete this with no questions or guidance.

You went to business school and graduated at the top of your class which is supposed to make you ready to go out into the world with your mad skills and run a corporation. Well, if you have no people skills, I don’t care how many clichés and metaphors you can throw around. Those studies and graphs? Useless. But if you get to have the job anyway, then it does not matter how you treat the people who work for you.

Just because someone handed you the Magic Wand and the Sabre of Threats does not make you a wizard. Work does not get done magically by cobbler elves leaving paperwork at your door in the morning.  If you really saw the faces and acknowledged all of the workers, then you would have to admit that you did not build the empire all on your own. Go ahead, Just Do It.  I bet that you cannot do it either.

What powerful and all-knowing wizardry at work did you see today?