Things that make me weary

Sometimes things just seem calculated to wear us down………

The endless supply of bills……….

Medication not covered by insurance so another $600 went on the credit card that is maxed and no way to catch up….

People who seek out drama or a juicy story but do nothing to help when asked….

People who have an opportunity to say Thank You when someone does something for them, but don’t because they never had to before……

Fighting with my spouse about money………

Favoritism at work………

Power-Savory and Money-Hungry people………..there are real people with no power to help themselves and a tiny bit of the cost of that international vacation and first class seats could make a difference in a family’s life.

Fighting with the Tax Man to give them your money to keep from losing your home and them preferring to run it through mediation which causes more time, money, anxiety, and fear.

Frankly, I think we have enough fearful, anxiety and panic-driven, depressed, broke, and homeless people!

People that cannot get insurance coverage or are unable to work full time because of their disability…….

Seeing and hearing what happens to people being denied medical care….

Time limits that are not self-imposed for grief, rehab, loss, recovery….

and the clueless people who talk about “easy” ways one is supposed to keep going and “live each day as if it is your last.”

It makes me weary that some of the people who say live as each day is your last are not at risk for suicide and don’t fully understand those who are despondent, desperate and terrified.

Being told to be quiet……..then being presumed to be negative or aloof……

Doing someone a favor as they plead with you, and then, being told that a favor is “your choice” and that they did not ask for anything…….

Expecting people to grow up and get some respect for others and a willingness to learn or aid………

It makes me weary wanting to tell the truth to others who prefer dishonesty….

Asking someone who is specifically going to a store that you need something from and being told “You can get it yourself……”

Trying kindness and no one noticing…..

Would we be less weary if we did not have to argue, fight and scrabble for everything we have each day in trying to hold on to our homes. our families, our minds, and our souls?

What makes you weary?

Taking One More Step into the Great Beyond

Sometimes, despite trying, the tears come and seem like they will never stop.  Putting one foot in front of the other everyday is hard, even though people don’t know it.  People who have never mourned, or lost something precious, overlook it.  The weight is so strong, and it is a burden, that we cannot ever put down.  It is with us every day, like a rock tied to our shoes, weighing us down.  Trying to look past, beyond, around, over, and through, it seems that the unseen is beyond my capacity.

If I were to utter a prayer, a plea, I would say:  Please remove those obstacles in my path and help me to find a way to keep going.  Please give me strength despite the circumstances. Let me know that there is more good than bad in the world and that, at another time, this will not hurt as much as it does now.

Putting one foot in front of the other every day takes more strength than people will ever understand or will ever have to think about. I cannot take it for granted.  It is not merely routine; it takes effort, thought, planning, and a deep breath. Pushing off the brink of the unknown, like an explorer on a World expedition, I am using all my energy to take just one more step.

Depressives Post Challenge Question ~ Day 20 – Take it to Heart

 

With depression and anxiety, sometimes things can take so much longer. My anxiety outweighs my adrenaline sometimes and speeds it from that place of energy and fun to fear and dread.

I am not trying to be dramatic; my brain just takes things very seriously.  In efforts to be friendlier to people who have shut me down before, I find that I am still not getting eye contact and a door closes.

Other people don’t care. They figure screw them and the horse they rode in on. If they don’t want to know you, it is too bad.

I understand and have heard all the rhetoric. The problem is that my head and heart don’t brush it off. Being so sensitive gives people a really easy way to kick me when I am down (some do it on purpose, nasty as that sounds).  I keep patching, but the heart still has the bruises and scars.

Are you able to brush things off easily? Or do you take things to heart and hold on to them?

 

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 19 – Why is my Ego so angry?

I have been told in no uncertain terms, through word and behavior, that I am less than. I have been asked to not speak and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I have been told that making conversation is why people avoid me.  Quietness is not negativity; it is trying to keep things in control like tears, pain, anger, frustration and despair.  Basically, there is an excuse for others’ callous attitudes and narrow thinking about mental illness.

My depression or anxiety (or any other mood disorder) is not an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. That is the kind of ridicule, shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking and continuing help and medication. It is the kind of verbal abuse that sad and sensitive people believe in the world of fear that we tread.

People can see anything or anyone as negative, and if you think it is so, you will never be disappointed.

But we who masquerade, daily in public, are experts at keeping our cracks from showing.  We smile and flatter as we dance and patter like an old Vaudeville actor.

I try  not to hold on to the comments and negative thinking, but my brain obsesses and spins them around like the hamster trapped in her wheel.

If my self-esteem lies somewhere between loathing and non-existent, why do the things people do to me make my Ego so angry? Do you ever feel this way?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 18 ~ do you filter your thoughts?

Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative.  Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body….  Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.

I do not have that magic filter.  Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me.  It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.

Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 17 ~ Have you ever been desperate to get to sleep?

Despite everything I take before I go to bed, I still cannot sleep as my brain does not stop. I am overtired but cannot get a good night’s sleep and wake up tired.

Sadly, I can understand being so desperate to get a solid sleep!

 

Do you ever feel that you just cannot shut down your brain and body?

How far would you go to get a good night’s sleep?   Do you have any good ideas for getting a good night’s sleep?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 16 – Does your brain look or feel like this?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 15 ~ Do you prefer the road less traveled?

As someone with a mood disorder, I recognize it when I see the anger in someone else. Also, the changeable moods of someone around me who is short-tempered, swearing and then crying, lets me know that I am dealing with someone struggling with a challenge that is not being addressed publicly.

We recognize symptoms, voice, tone, inflection, facial and body movements. We may be depressed but we are actually pretty astute.  For me, researching and reading is part of how I process my diagnosis. Also, the hypervigilance to make sure I am not getting worse, means I pay attention to E V E R Y T H I N G !

I know more than many people and can definitely keep up in any technical conversation with a doctor, psychiatrist or therapist.  Learning is learning for me; what makes up my depression, triggers, brain function and chemistry, comfort, reactions to medications, others’ experiences are all part of the things that I read about. I own many books and would never think of getting rid of them.

Of course, there are plenty of people who don’t want to face it or hear about it from me. They would like me to experience my panic attacks and anxiety in silence.

Do you like to research and read about your diagnosis or would you prefer to create a clear, untried path to understanding?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 14 ~ Are you Singing the Sunday Blues?

Being anxious and depressed makes me hyperaware and hypervigilant about my symptoms. My brain is on overdrive even when my body is weighted down with concrete.

I thought that I was the only one who was most depressed on Sundays. Then before I considered adding a post, I decided to do a brief bit of research on this subject. Dr. Andrew Weil, M.D. discusses the “Sunday Night Blues” on his website.

Symptoms can range from a vague sense of uneasiness to full blown panic attacks. The condition? “Sunday neurosis,” increasingly known by the more casual term “Sunday night blues.” The former term was coined by Austrian psychotherapist Victor Frankl in 1946, suggesting this problem is far from new. The names may vary, but all of them describe the negative feelings – including anxiety, dread or plain sadness – that can accompany the knowledge that you’ll return to a difficult or stressful job on Monday.

The Sunday night blues have probably existed in some form since the start of the five-day workweek, which became institutionalized in the U.S. in 1926, after Henry Ford began shutting down his automotive factories on Saturday and Sunday. Now, science is confirming the phenomenon. In a November, 2009 paper, German and Swedish researchers said surveys of 12,000 individuals confirmed that Sundays are the least happy day for most people, while Fridays are the happiest.

Because it is not a formal condition recognized by any medical or psychological authority, there are no precise figures on the incidence of Sunday blues. But a British study reported in The Observer newspaper found that 26 percent of workers questioned felt dread and apprehension on the day they were due to return to work. Researchers speculated that the recession – which has led to increased job insecurity, and more burdensome workloads on those who remain employed – appears to be increasing such fears.

I thought that I was compartmentalizing, because I cannot show my depression at work, and therefore it came out on Sunday. I find that Sunday I am absolutely exhausted, don’t want to get dressed, am so lethargic that I avoid social contact….Who knew!?? Yes, it is true that I have GAD and it does get sky high on Sunday night. But instead of labeling it as a reaction that is practically normal to returning to a stressful work environment, I blame myself and think it is the depression winning the battle of the self.

Do you suffer from more anxiety, stressful and depressive symptoms on Sundays?

Depressives Post Challenge Question – Day 13

As someone created with many active pathways in the limbic system, my thoughts go round and round. Conversations and what-if conversations loop the loop in my imagination. But each hurt reverberates too.

This empathy and self awareness makes me want to reach out to others and communicate and educate the reality that many with a mood disorder face from those who choose to turn a blind eye. Then there are the bullies who verbally abuse someone who tries to be brave about their diagnosis.

The number of people suffering goes up daily and crosses so many other diagnoses that the brain chemistry tangles further and the solution, or mere attempts at controlling, can get lost in the haze of ordinary life.

Has being depressed, or suffering a mood disorder, made you more empathetic to others or hide deeper out of fear or anxiety?