Whose Grind is it Anyway?

henry-hoover

What if the manipulators and mindsuckers used their power for good instead of aggravation and demeaning someone else? Why do some people with a modicum of authority believe that their control gives them the right to behave like unaccountable jerks? Who taught that being powerful means you have to belittle someone else?  That is not real power; anyone who has ever studied psychology would talk about their insecurities and lashing out as a childish manifestation rather than a responsible, adult behavior.  But we are in a world where we have to feed ourselves, keep a roof over our heads, pay for the doctors and medical care, so we put up with someone else’s mental deficiencies while they criticize ours.

For anyone who has ever had a depressive episode, or some other mental disability of any kind in their lifetime, we are circumspect and aware. Since one out of four of us has had this experience, why do the real sociopaths and egomaniacs get to treat us like we are only half as good?

What about the person who is so insecure that they have to be the smartest person in the room at the expense of including anyone who might be just as smart? Or the person who has to be so controlling and manipulative that they cannot share information out of fear and suspicion? Also, if someone’s only power is withholding information, kindness or inclusion, he has some pretty nifty unacknowledged issues of his own.

To me, those kinds of mental disabilities or failings, or lapses, are just as serious, if not more, than the ones we have been treated for.

We are willing to accept that while it has been very hard and painful, we are trying to heal. We take our meds, talk to our therapists, blog, paint, photograph, walk in nature…….all trying to find ways to take the depths of our brains and emotions and turn them into something that rings true for someone else. We are trying to do something positive and improve the situation for others as well as ourselves.

If we deny that we have struggled, then we try to act like the buffoons who don’t admit their own shortcomings.  They are not impressive enough to deserve my admiration. I want to respect the real powerful people in the world: those that are open, honest, truthful, direct, introspective, and willing to make a change.

To me, respect is earned by behavior, not by bank account. I am not impressed by the superficial.  I have spent too much time trying to understand the real needs in the world, and in my own head, to blindly accept the demands of a control freak.

But, the bad behavior does wear me down. It sucks the air out of the room, and me, like an old Hoover with a big dusty windbag and a hose.

Let’s clean up the mess and get down to the real dirt: how do you feel today?

Sunday Blues, Monday Bruise

employment anxiety

In the years that I have spent in my office, I have been encouraged to keep my thoughts to myself.  Different jobs, different bosses. Some want to get to know you and some want to be sure you know who is in control.

People passed without a word as I became the human Skinner experiment. Take away light, laughter, and see what happens when we diminish a person’s innate spirit.

The other day, I spoke up, and invited one into my small office.

“All the way?”

‘Yes, if you want to see the adjoining office.’

Slowly, the entrance was made and quickly an exit was sought. “Freedom!” was the rejoinder and speeding down the hall, freedom was gained.

All this time, I thought they knew they were caging me and it meant that they liked turning the glass walls into bars. But, I had no idea that they considered me to be the animal as well.

You apparently cannot handle the truth

There are people to whom you speak the truth in hopes of creating understanding. For anyone who is highly sensitive, or suffers from any kind of mood disorder or episode, we take a deep breath and attempt to communicate those things that separate and isolate us, cautionary tales and honest experiences, and the healing we seek and want to share.

Some people really make the effort to try to learn and understand. The only way to remove some stigma and fight for mental health care parity and insurance coverage is by speaking the truth. When something hurts us, we have to be brave to tell the truth of the pain.

Some may listen and hopefully the large steps that need to be taken will advance the care and necessities of those with mood disorders.

Others hear the truth and use the information to avoid and isolate further. They avoid all communication. Literally, there is an act of stepping around you, and those Berlin-sized walls that separate us, rather than look at you and interact. The stigma is an excuse to control contact and continue with mean or bad behavior.

I hope that when the time comes, they receive the kindness that they did not extend, when they need it most. It is a horrible feeling to need help and hope and receive none. No one is really immune to a mood disorder episode despite what they think. Life happens and brings joys and sorrows.

People with depression work hard to get through their days, months and years. But in the long run, the kind of ignorance and control against awareness is the truly sad truth.

You have been nominated for a Liebster award!

http://evavanbeek.files.wordpress.com/2013/05/liebster-bloq-award-badge2.png?w=300&h=300

Thank you for nominating me!

thank you to only see your good side http://balfourthrb.wordpress.com/

The rules for the award are as follows:

Step One: Thank the Liebster-winning blogger who nominated you (see above)

Step Two: Post 11 facts about yourself.

Step Three: Answer the 11 Questions your nominee asked you.

Step Four: Create 11 questions for your nominees to answer.

Step Five: Recognize 11 blogs (doesn’t have to be eleven) that you feel deserve recognition. These blogs should have less than 200 followers to the best of your knowledge

Step Six: Display the award badge on your blog.  Image above.

 

11 facts about me

1. I am the oldest child and grandchild

2. I have lived in two countries

3. Daffodils always come up for my birthday

4. I prefer coffee to tea

5. Sad music makes me cry

6. I love jewelry, all kinds

7. I get so excited when people like my posts. They like me, they really like me.

8. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mom the most

9. I dislike passive aggressive people

10. I feel proud of my writing and verbal skills

11. I cry at goodbyes

Create 11 questions for your nominees

1. Do you speak any other languages? — does British English and American English count?
2. What is your favourite colour, and why? — red ~ I have never thought about it but it is a power colour
3. What does your name mean? IF different, what does it mean to you? — Bee
4. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? — No more painful deaths
5. If you could do, or be, anything, what would you be, or do? — I would like to have less fears
6. What do you believe in? — Kindness
7. What is the biggest thing you have ever given away? — myself (but in gift terms, $500)
8. What do you like most about yourself? — Intelligence
9. Sea, or sky? — Sky
10. What was your favourite book as a child? — I read a lot of Ray Bradbury although I totally dislike Sci Fi now.
11. How many fingers am I holding up? — 3

 

11 Questions for the nominee:

1.  What makes you laugh?

2.  What makes you cry?

3.  When did you start blogging?

4.  What is your favorite cartoon or fiction character?

5.  Chocolate, Vanilla or Strawberry?

6.  Do you like babies? Why?

7.  What country or city would you visit if money were no object?

8.  What is the nicest thing you have ever done for someone else?

9.  What are three of your hobbies or interests?

10. How do you cheer yourself up?

11. Online or in store shopping?

Blogs that I like so far and more to come:

The War In My Brain  http://meganhasocd.com/

Bipolar On Fire  http://bipolaronfire.com/

My Brand of Genius http://redclayandroses1.wordpress.com/

http://thumbingathought.wordpress.com/

http://5kidswdisabilities.com/

http://thoughtcatalog.com/

 

I have been nominated for a Liebster Award! How nice

I have been nominated for a Liebster award!

liebster blog award

thank you to only see your good side
http://balfourthrb.wordpress.com/

11 facts about me

1. I am the oldest child and grandchild
2. I have lived in two out of three countries in North America
3. Daffodils always come up for my birthday
4. I prefer coffee to tea
5. Sad music makes me cry
6. I love jewelry, all kinds
7. I get so excited when people like my posts. They like me, they really like me.
8. Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mom the most
9. I dislike passive aggressive people
10. I feel proud of my writing and verbal skills
11. I cry at goodbyes

Create 11 questions for your nominees

1. Do you speak any other languages? — does British English and American English count?
2. What is your favourite colour, and why? — red ~ I have never thought about it but it is a power colour
3. What does your name mean? IF different, what does it mean to you? — Bee
4. If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be? — No more painful deaths
5. If you could do, or be, anything, what would you be, or do? — I would like to have less fears
6. What do you believe in? — Kindness
7. What is the biggest thing you have ever given away? — myself (but in gift terms, $500)
8. What do you like most about yourself? — Intelligence
9. Sea, or sky? — Sky
10. What was your favourite book as a child? — I read a lot of Ray Bradbury although I totally dislike Sci Fi now.
11. How many fingers am I holding up? — 3

The Depressive’s National Anthem

stay strong fake a smile

Oh, dutiful, our specious sighs

Our amber waves of drain,

Our purple mental travesties

Among the brutish pain.

America, America

Send meds to our pharmacies,

And gird our sad with therapy,

And Mental Health Parity.

Strength is Overrated

extra strength denial
Strength is overrated. Extra Strength products are supposed to help big issues, like headaches. But the headache still hurts, regardless of the strength.

Be strong, hold it in, don’t cry. These are not measures of strength but measures of masking. I am not strong. In fact, to prove I don’t have strength, I have to hide how I really feel. Guess what? THAT takes real strength.

Big girls don’t cry but they sure can have a breakdown. How do I decide? Should it be one big extra-strength sob or many regular-strength crying jags? The smaller ones happen more often than the big one, so does that mean the little triumphs over the big?

See, in a depressed person, everything runs backwards. Is the chemistry backwards or is that what meds do? The treatments seem counterintuitive sometimes. We control the serotonin and lift what is low and lower what is too high. That even keel does not seem so even nor does it feel controlled. Little bits of brain chemistry leak out and take over the strongest of people.

Sometimes, the littlest steps, like getting out of bed, take the greatest amount of strength. To one person it is one slide of the foot, but to someone else it is the slide off the edge of the cliff.

Who is to say who is strongest: The little voice inside telling you to keep going or the loud voice telling you to get a grip and control yourself? If you are not supposed to cry in public, minimize in private, do not scare others with your emotions, and preserve the small quiet strength inside of yourself, when do you get to scream out? When do you get to cry, and rant, and snot through so many tissues you horrify yourself?

When do you get to feel strong because you have dealt with feeling so weak, for so long and no one else can appreciate just how much weight you are carrying? Why does carrying all that stuff around, feeling every raw nerve, and obsessing about the pain make you weak?

It may be the brain chemistry that is running backwards, or the forward-facing meds, but they still have not come up with anything strong enough to take away the pain.