How did I get here and how do I get off this roller coaster?

terrified on a roller coaster

I am not trying to whine or bore you. But, if this is my community then you will understand how this feels. I am in the midst of a major anxiety attack. Granted, this anxiety attack has lasted years, but tonight is one more night that I cannot drug myself to sleep and my fear and anxiety are holding me hostage.

My abilities have been questioned, insulted, and attacked. And, that is just my day job.  Not knowing where the next window will open, or door to walk through, I am stifled and stuck in a situation that is going to change. It has to and I have been warned repeatedly that it will. Mine is not the lone experience; lots of people are miserable but fulfill their obligations.

I keep begging the Universe to let things get better. I need to be employed and I need a paycheck. The verbal abuse and the isolation get to me. My brain is always working though I don’t know which way to go or how I can prepare myself for the next step when it comes.

My tendency to sensitivity, about myself and others, makes the rejection even harder to face day after day. I wish I did not feel so deeply, and then obsess and churn it, over and over again.  So, I am sitting here, once again, unsure of my future and wondering how my past led me to this point. Fear and anxiety wash over me and I cannot seem to push them aside in favor of the great unknown and impossible to plan an unknowable future.

My breathing is shallow, tears are falling.  My soul screams out why, when, what did I do? Why do they treat me the way they do? What makes me so horrible? Why do I fear every day at work will be my last? Oh yeah, maybe the verbal abuse and insults as well as the isolation and rejection have something to do with it. Ok, so being happy does not seem to be an option.

My internal screaming is hurting my metaphoric hearing. Fear rushes into my ears blocking out possibility and deafening strength. All I can feel is fear and despair and watch the tearing away of me, from me and from others by their design, day by day.  How did I get here? What is my purpose?

But the unremitting anxiety and dread is taking a toll.  Some people embrace the unknown, clinging to the roller coaster and loving every twist and turn of the path.  Obviously, I avoid roller coasters.

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Things that make me weary

so tired

Sometimes things just seem calculated to wear us down………

The endless supply of bills……….

Medication not covered by insurance so another $600 went on the credit card that is maxed and no way to catch up….

People who seek out drama or a juicy story but do nothing to help when asked….

People who have an opportunity to say Thank You when someone does something for them, but don’t because they never had to before……

Fighting with my spouse about money………

Favoritism at work………

Power-Savory and Money-Hungry people………..there are real people with no power to help themselves and a tiny bit of the cost of that international vacation and first class seats could make a difference in a family’s life.

Fighting with the Tax Man to give them your money to keep from losing your home and them preferring to run it through mediation which causes more time, money, anxiety, and fear.

Frankly, I think we have enough fearful, anxiety and panic-driven, depressed, broke, and homeless people!

People that cannot get insurance coverage or are unable to work full time because of their disability…….

Seeing and hearing what happens to people being denied medical care….

Time limits that are not self-imposed for grief, rehab, loss, recovery….

and the clueless people who talk about “easy” ways one is supposed to keep going and “live each day as if it is your last.”

It makes me weary that some of the people who say live as each day is your last are not at risk for suicide and don’t fully understand those who are despondent, desperate and terrified.

Being told to be quiet……..then being presumed to be negative or aloof……

Doing someone a favor as they plead with you, and then, being told that a favor is “your choice” and that they did not ask for anything…….

Expecting people to grow up and get some respect for others and a willingness to learn or aid………

It makes me weary wanting to tell the truth to others who prefer dishonesty….

Asking someone who is specifically going to a store that you need something from and being told “You can get it yourself……”

Trying kindness and no one noticing…..

Would we be less weary if we did not have to argue, fight and scrabble for everything we have each day in trying to hold on to our homes. our families, our minds, and our souls?

What makes you weary?