With depression and anxiety, sometimes things can take so much longer. My anxiety outweighs my adrenaline sometimes and speeds it from that place of energy and fun to fear and dread.
I am not trying to be dramatic; my brain just takes things very seriously. In efforts to be friendlier to people who have shut me down before, I find that I am still not getting eye contact and a door closes.
Other people don’t care. They figure screw them and the horse they rode in on. If they don’t want to know you, it is too bad.
I understand and have heard all the rhetoric. The problem is that my head and heart don’t brush it off. Being so sensitive gives people a really easy way to kick me when I am down (some do it on purpose, nasty as that sounds). I keep patching, but the heart still has the bruises and scars.
Are you able to brush things off easily? Or do you take things to heart and hold on to them?
I have been told in no uncertain terms, through word and behavior, that I am less than. I have been asked to not speak and keep my thoughts and opinions to myself. I have been told that making conversation is why people avoid me. Quietness is not negativity; it is trying to keep things in control like tears, pain, anger, frustration and despair. Basically, there is an excuse for others’ callous attitudes and narrow thinking about mental illness.
My depression or anxiety (or any other mood disorder) is not an excuse for someone else’s bad behavior. That is the kind of ridicule, shame and stigma that prevents people from seeking and continuing help and medication. It is the kind of verbal abuse that sad and sensitive people believe in the world of fear that we tread.
People can see anything or anyone as negative, and if you think it is so, you will never be disappointed.
But we who masquerade, daily in public, are experts at keeping our cracks from showing. We smile and flatter as we dance and patter like an old Vaudeville actor.
I try not to hold on to the comments and negative thinking, but my brain obsesses and spins them around like the hamster trapped in her wheel.
If my self-esteem lies somewhere between loathing and non-existent, why do the things people do to me make my Ego so angry? Do you ever feel this way?
Whether it is because I am tired, or in pain, or tired of being in pain, I cannot be sure. Sometimes, things come out of my mouth that are too snarky or too negative. Then, because I obsess and have GAD and panic attacks, I worry about what I said for H O U R S. Then I feel guilty, shoot off more cortisol in the brain and glucose in the body…. Meanwhile the other person probably does not even give a sh*t because they don’t care about me to begin with and know how to brush off comments that they don’t care about.
I do not have that magic filter. Seeing and feeling things so much, I want to express the truth. It is so simple and right in front of me. It is too much pressure to be a nice person, a depressed person, and an anxious person all at the same time.
Do you say things and then regret them? Does it seem like your brain just ejected the thoughts as they occur?
Despite everything I take before I go to bed, I still cannot sleep as my brain does not stop. I am overtired but cannot get a good night’s sleep and wake up tired.
Sadly, I can understand being so desperate to get a solid sleep!
Do you ever feel that you just cannot shut down your brain and body?
How far would you go to get a good night’s sleep? Do you have any good ideas for getting a good night’s sleep?
As someone with a mood disorder, I recognize it when I see the anger in someone else. Also, the changeable moods of someone around me who is short-tempered, swearing and then crying, lets me know that I am dealing with someone struggling with a challenge that is not being addressed publicly.
We recognize symptoms, voice, tone, inflection, facial and body movements. We may be depressed but we are actually pretty astute. For me, researching and reading is part of how I process my diagnosis. Also, the hypervigilance to make sure I am not getting worse, means I pay attention to E V E R Y T H I N G !
I know more than many people and can definitely keep up in any technical conversation with a doctor, psychiatrist or therapist. Learning is learning for me; what makes up my depression, triggers, brain function and chemistry, comfort, reactions to medications, others’ experiences are all part of the things that I read about. I own many books and would never think of getting rid of them.
Of course, there are plenty of people who don’t want to face it or hear about it from me. They would like me to experience my panic attacks and anxiety in silence.
Do you like to research and read about your diagnosis or would you prefer to create a clear, untried path to understanding?
Bring Back My Happiness (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
In order to have great happiness you have to have great pain and unhappiness - otherwise how would you know when you're happy? ~Leslie Caron
in that case, I ought to be bloody giddy!