If I wasn’t depressed or bipolar before, working here would do it. Have you ever had a performance appraisal that sounds like this:
Blah Blah Blah Creative
Blah Blah Blah Growth
Blah Blah Blah Respect
Blah Blah Blah Trust
Blah Blah Blah Loyalty
Blah Blah Blah Happy
Some genius decided that saying three positive things to couch each miserable insult was supposed to be helpful. This is the review to tell you how you are being watched. As if you had no idea when someone kept walking past you every five minutes to see what you are doing. There is no idea for improvement because the only improvement they can think of is getting you out of here. Fast. Without severance pay.
The suggestion is that if you looked at the positive things in your life, you would snap out of it, and smile, and appreciate how good you have it here.
By the way, we don’t like your personality.
But anyone would want your job.
And anyone could do it better.
But you want to clean out the office fridge because it shows your loyalty and desire for growth. Mold is encouraged to grow more than I am in my position.
It is like little subliminal messages that they sneak in, in front of the office snitch, so the only person to speak up is you. You know that you are not crazy, but you go home wondering if it is the bipolar, or the job, that makes you want to jump off of a tall building.
The Work Ninja – so skilled that you don’t feel it as the knife stabs you in the back.
Where do your ears go when you talk out of both sides of your face?
Those scratches are pretty deep from your climb to the top.
Do you still need to eat dinner if you have been kissing ass all day?
My back really hurts from when you threw me under the bus.
If you are going to take credit for everything that I do, then pay my bills when my Visa is due.
Being the eyes and ears for the boss is great, maybe that is why you don’t have a brain in the middle of the day.
Have you ever thought about an education? or a re-education?
Do you believe in Karma? Because I am counting on it to pay back better than you.
Just waiting to hear what I said when you tell me what it was.
All communication is bland, measured, and careful of the potholes.
You are responsible for a lot of things that I need and what you gave me for the things I don’t.
I have just spent another day at work with the Nike School of Management for direction. What is that you ask? Just Do It. No questions, no support. Take this and Just Do It.
If you were a carpenter and I said just do it, no questions. Oh, and by the way, I am not going to give you any tools to do your job effectively. So, just hand back that hammer, saw and nails right now. No training you, Just Do It.
Why do people get into power and throw it around like the discus at the Olympics? Then, even though they have missed the mark by a mile, expect to have a crown of laurels place around their head and receive the roar of the crowd and cheering approval?
Just Do It. How should I phrase that skill on my resume? I did not reach my goals. I have not achieved or completed tasks on time. Time – an arbitrary line on the horizon in which you will eat your lunch, go online, talk on the phone and brag about your management skills because your job is done. You gave it to me and the blame is on me as an incapable person with a bad attitude when I say I cannot complete this with no questions or guidance.
You went to business school and graduated at the top of your class which is supposed to make you ready to go out into the world with your mad skills and run a corporation. Well, if you have no people skills, I don’t care how many clichés and metaphors you can throw around. Those studies and graphs? Useless. But if you get to have the job anyway, then it does not matter how you treat the people who work for you.
Just because someone handed you the Magic Wand and the Sabre of Threats does not make you a wizard. Work does not get done magically by cobbler elves leaving paperwork at your door in the morning. If you really saw the faces and acknowledged all of the workers, then you would have to admit that you did not build the empire all on your own. Go ahead, Just Do It. I bet that you cannot do it either.
What powerful and all-knowing wizardry at work did you see today?