Anxiety can grip me so fiercely sometimes that my brain is holding on for dear life like a raft in a tsunami. I don’t know where the wave came from or where it should be headed. I am so focused on getting through that I cannot possibly see which direction would be best.
The sad part of this is that I feel like I have to keep my head down and protect myself. Over and over and over again, waves overpower me and toss me about. Each day, it seems that I have to look down and just keep moving in a direction, never knowing which way would be best, and hoping that if I keep on moving, some day I will get to where I really should be headed.
This is the part of me that feels inauthentic as I try to hold on to my job as firmly as I can, but keep my head down so that I don’t lose it. I never quite know what will upset the boss, but whatever I am seems to be it. All the parts of me are stuffed down inside, hiding the laughter, obscuring the clarity, denying the knowledge in hopes that I can stay afloat. But, it still feels like I am fighting some random storm. The winds will howl, the tempest will toss, and the conflicting moods and messages conspire to keep me off keel and far from course. Meanwhile, the struggle to hold on is exhausting.
I keep trying to find my way to safety but I don’t see any in sight and each day is a struggle to keep my head down and just keep going.