Today is one of those days when I feel somber, sad and washed over with a tidal wave. I try to stand in the surf, being brave, when along comes a giant wave. It covers me, I cannot breathe, I feel myself shaking and sputtering; it feels like a giant panic attack.
When I try to be positive, or get through my loss, I am reading and looking for answers. I am begging my angels or spirits or whoever is around me unseen, to please please please , let me know that I am not alone.
I have not had that validation and I question so many things. How will I know what is right? If I look for answers in unusual ways, am I being manic or slipping into psychosis? I think that is what it sounds like to someone who cannot fathom what I am talking about. I have to defend myself and reiterate that despite what it seems like, I am not falling into a chasm of manic depression. I have not lost my mind and my meds don’t need adjustment. The therapist and doctor are on call if I need them, but I am just trying to adjust to the situation in the best way I can. While I have had episodes of pain, I am trying so hard to find clarity and energy in a situation that is washing over me with more grief, mourning, and loss than I have ever experienced.
I was crying and the comment to me was “oh, you are thinking again, aren’t’ you?” Well, I am always thinking and always feeling. But I cannot help it, I react emotionally and I cry. I grieve, I mourn and I feel so alone and such loss. I feel unloved and abandoned, misunderstood and ignored. Just because I see the wave coming, and feel it, doesn’t mean it does not lay me out at times. Some days feel like a total wipeout.
If that is depression waving its heavy hand today, then so be it. The pile of crumpled tissues sits on the bed beside me. Sometimes, I simply don’t have the energy to get up. But I am trying to keep standing and keep going no matter how many times it tries to knock me down.