That bright shiny happy face is just getting too heavy for me to carry right now. It is up there, like my hair, my earrings, and the right color lipstick. But the weight of it seems to be too much for me at present. I pull it out and put it on when the situation demands it. I dust it off and do my old soft shoe and tap routine, patter and smile, like an old Bojangles movie clip.
But by the time I get home, that smile nearly weighs a ton and has pulled down the rest of my face with it.
I want to be happy, but it is such a complex pathway of emotions, experiences, feelings and chemicals. It also might be the life triggers of a death in the family, financial woes, realizing that I may need to find another job and trying to bear the toxic environment in the meantime. The realities should prove that it is not all in my head. There are plenty of outside sources cramming in to my neurons because I simply cannot push any more into my smile.
Maybe it shrank? Maybe I gained too much baggage? My smile just does not seem to fit as well anymore.